Hella Deep In The World of Potatoes
She never considered herself depressed or anxious. Yeah sure, every time she sends a text she keeps checking her phone every five seconds and her hearts starts racing when she hears the familiar "ping" of a notification on her phone. But, that doesn't make her anxious, does it? She feels lonely without her phone. It has become her best friend. That's not sad, is it?
She lies in her bed awake because she has no energy or will to face the outside world. Even though her horoscope says, it's a great day to go out and give into that adventurous Sagittarius self. Sleep was her escape but now she is trying to escape sleep, just like she is trying to hide from the other goddesses.
On certain days the Goddess Potato finds herself staring at her reflection in the mirror, her cheeks wet as the exhaust in the bathroom hums silencing her hiccups because crying in the shower she thinks, is too overrated. Some other days she spends her hours staring at a blurry laptop screen, attempting to do homework but not having the power to lift up her wet glasses, wipe her eyes and tell herself that everything is okay.
"Don't cry. There is no reason to cry, everything is okay. It will be okay. You'll make it okay." She should tell herself that but she doesn't. Instead, she turns her fan on full speed so that no one outside can tell how loud she is weeping.
It's like someone left the tap open. She can't stop.
She listens or at least tries to. Most words bounce off of her eardrums leaving her in a state of coma. She feels everything but at the same time is numb.
She sips on her piña colada watching her friends. They paint each other's nails. She paints hers. It gives her a sense of satisfaction, knowing that she can start and finish something by herself. She laughs numbly as the other goddess' laugh but she knows their laugh has no meaning either. They too hide their pain and sadness but suck at it. She wants to take the pain away.
She stares at the empty space next to her on the bed. It's cold and empty. She hates it. Her gaze snaps to her phone only one thought in mind, maybe she could get someone to warm it up for the night. Her loneliness is giving way to her addiction. She thinks she might be crazy. Sex is what she wants but it is not all that she wants. She wants love too. But love scares her. She can't have it. She shouldn't have it. She's not ready but ready at the same time. Is she rushing into this? This feeling or whatever hormonal imbalance that lack of care and concern is causing her to feel.
She closes her eyes as the smooth cold liquid relieves her scratchy throat, sore from screaming silently. Her neurons and brain fuck with her by creating images of roads in her head. She is scared of crossing the road. She wasn't before but now she is terrified. Every time she crosses the road to get to the familiar bus stop by her house, the hair on the back of her neck rise. Headphones in with Ariana encouraging her to keep breathing, the Goddess doesn't hear the roar of the engine behind her. She doesn't see it until its so close not even a blind man could miss it. She doesn't feel it until all she can feel is pain and stuff that is supposed to remain in her body is forced out. Decorating the road like a sloppy red throw up of a sick person who shouldn't be drinking alcohol but still drinks alcohol. The snow and leaves slowly turn scarlet making her smile. It's a beautiful color.
She relives it again and again. Feeling the satisfaction of just giving up and seeing red, she is shaking with terror but she won't stop. Her neurons are fucking with her.
Red. Death.
Keep breathing.
Red. Death.
No. Keep Breathing.
Death.
Don't stop breathing.
Red.
Just brea- Death.
And her phone pings. A picture from three years ago flashes on the screen. It's her mother kissing the Goddess' forehead as she gets ready for her graduation ceremony. She lets it ring while she recalls how disgusting she felt that day. Ugly and pathetic. She hated herself in that sari and her hair a limp mess and her eyes rimmed with eyeliner sad and dead. She hated her entire being back then. She stills hates her existence to this date.
Huh, I guess some things never change.
She takes another sip of her poison as the screen goes blank. She ignored her mother. She seems to do that a lot these days. She ignores everyone. She tries to ignore the words, "I am hating today and today sucks." But she can't. She knows today sucks and how much you hate it. She knows how it's too cold to go out and do something. She knows how she's too far away and you can't come to meet her. She knows how she is a bitch sometimes and doesn't realize what you're going through. She knows she can never fully understand what you're going through. She knows a thousand and one reasons why today sucks. Don't worry she knows how much today sucks and how bad you want to escape this town. How bad you want to escape reality. She never forgets any of it.
But she needs you to forget to remind her. Because every time she gets a reminder of how she failed to change what you're feeling. She failed to take away your pain. She feels cold for the first time and a car crashes into her from behind.
I know today sucks but I'm sorry I can't change that. I really wish I could but I can't. I can't change the sucky todays and yesterdays and tomorrows. I'm sorry I'm so useless.
Voices whisper in the back of her mind repeating the same words. She gets out of her bed and gets dressed. She forces herself to dress up pretty for she hopes it'll make her feel better and give her the courage to stay in school for the entire day. Even though it takes her half an hour to decide what to wear and she is about to change her shirt for the sixth time because she feels hideous wearing anything in her closet. She feels hideous all the time. Maybe she should just go back to bed and stay there.
She can't though. She just got a text from her friend saying she's nervous about the presentation they're about to give in class today. She has to be strong. She puts on the brightest of smiles. The kind that could put the sun to shame. Snaps a picture of her face and sends it to her friend saying, "I know you got this." She adds a heart emoji at the end hoping that her friend will get it that the Goddess really means what she says and cares. The reply comes instantly. "Thanks, girl. I love you." She genuinely smiles at the words. But, they bounce off her heart like a trampoline and she feels nothing.
Buttoning up her red top that she finally decided to settle with because now she absolutely has no time to curse her looks or else she'll miss the bus, she realizes the last time her heart felt anything was when Peralta proposed Amy. It was the cutest thing she'd ever seen and her heart felt warm and gooey like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. She then proceeds to force herself to think about food so that her dumb soul won't dwell on the fact that she can never have what Peralta and Amy do.
What they have is love. And the last time Goddess Potato felt love was back in 5th grade when the guy she hated the most but liked at the same time asked her if she was okay after the entire class was done making fun of her for being too fat and tall.
"They were just being stupid. They didn't mean it. You're okay right?" He said.
She nodded and gave him a watery smile. There was a crack in the wall and the dam was just about to break but she held it back. "I'm okay," she spoke softly and left to go cry in the bathroom on the 3rd floor where no one ever comes.
With lots of love and hugs and chocolate chip cookies
From
Shorts n Boxers
She lies in her bed awake because she has no energy or will to face the outside world. Even though her horoscope says, it's a great day to go out and give into that adventurous Sagittarius self. Sleep was her escape but now she is trying to escape sleep, just like she is trying to hide from the other goddesses.
On certain days the Goddess Potato finds herself staring at her reflection in the mirror, her cheeks wet as the exhaust in the bathroom hums silencing her hiccups because crying in the shower she thinks, is too overrated. Some other days she spends her hours staring at a blurry laptop screen, attempting to do homework but not having the power to lift up her wet glasses, wipe her eyes and tell herself that everything is okay.
"Don't cry. There is no reason to cry, everything is okay. It will be okay. You'll make it okay." She should tell herself that but she doesn't. Instead, she turns her fan on full speed so that no one outside can tell how loud she is weeping.
It's like someone left the tap open. She can't stop.
She listens or at least tries to. Most words bounce off of her eardrums leaving her in a state of coma. She feels everything but at the same time is numb.
She sips on her piña colada watching her friends. They paint each other's nails. She paints hers. It gives her a sense of satisfaction, knowing that she can start and finish something by herself. She laughs numbly as the other goddess' laugh but she knows their laugh has no meaning either. They too hide their pain and sadness but suck at it. She wants to take the pain away.
She stares at the empty space next to her on the bed. It's cold and empty. She hates it. Her gaze snaps to her phone only one thought in mind, maybe she could get someone to warm it up for the night. Her loneliness is giving way to her addiction. She thinks she might be crazy. Sex is what she wants but it is not all that she wants. She wants love too. But love scares her. She can't have it. She shouldn't have it. She's not ready but ready at the same time. Is she rushing into this? This feeling or whatever hormonal imbalance that lack of care and concern is causing her to feel.
She closes her eyes as the smooth cold liquid relieves her scratchy throat, sore from screaming silently. Her neurons and brain fuck with her by creating images of roads in her head. She is scared of crossing the road. She wasn't before but now she is terrified. Every time she crosses the road to get to the familiar bus stop by her house, the hair on the back of her neck rise. Headphones in with Ariana encouraging her to keep breathing, the Goddess doesn't hear the roar of the engine behind her. She doesn't see it until its so close not even a blind man could miss it. She doesn't feel it until all she can feel is pain and stuff that is supposed to remain in her body is forced out. Decorating the road like a sloppy red throw up of a sick person who shouldn't be drinking alcohol but still drinks alcohol. The snow and leaves slowly turn scarlet making her smile. It's a beautiful color.
She relives it again and again. Feeling the satisfaction of just giving up and seeing red, she is shaking with terror but she won't stop. Her neurons are fucking with her.
Red. Death.
Keep breathing.
Red. Death.
No. Keep Breathing.
Death.
Don't stop breathing.
Red.
Just brea- Death.
And her phone pings. A picture from three years ago flashes on the screen. It's her mother kissing the Goddess' forehead as she gets ready for her graduation ceremony. She lets it ring while she recalls how disgusting she felt that day. Ugly and pathetic. She hated herself in that sari and her hair a limp mess and her eyes rimmed with eyeliner sad and dead. She hated her entire being back then. She stills hates her existence to this date.
Huh, I guess some things never change.
She takes another sip of her poison as the screen goes blank. She ignored her mother. She seems to do that a lot these days. She ignores everyone. She tries to ignore the words, "I am hating today and today sucks." But she can't. She knows today sucks and how much you hate it. She knows how it's too cold to go out and do something. She knows how she's too far away and you can't come to meet her. She knows how she is a bitch sometimes and doesn't realize what you're going through. She knows she can never fully understand what you're going through. She knows a thousand and one reasons why today sucks. Don't worry she knows how much today sucks and how bad you want to escape this town. How bad you want to escape reality. She never forgets any of it.
But she needs you to forget to remind her. Because every time she gets a reminder of how she failed to change what you're feeling. She failed to take away your pain. She feels cold for the first time and a car crashes into her from behind.
I know today sucks but I'm sorry I can't change that. I really wish I could but I can't. I can't change the sucky todays and yesterdays and tomorrows. I'm sorry I'm so useless.
Voices whisper in the back of her mind repeating the same words. She gets out of her bed and gets dressed. She forces herself to dress up pretty for she hopes it'll make her feel better and give her the courage to stay in school for the entire day. Even though it takes her half an hour to decide what to wear and she is about to change her shirt for the sixth time because she feels hideous wearing anything in her closet. She feels hideous all the time. Maybe she should just go back to bed and stay there.
She can't though. She just got a text from her friend saying she's nervous about the presentation they're about to give in class today. She has to be strong. She puts on the brightest of smiles. The kind that could put the sun to shame. Snaps a picture of her face and sends it to her friend saying, "I know you got this." She adds a heart emoji at the end hoping that her friend will get it that the Goddess really means what she says and cares. The reply comes instantly. "Thanks, girl. I love you." She genuinely smiles at the words. But, they bounce off her heart like a trampoline and she feels nothing.
Buttoning up her red top that she finally decided to settle with because now she absolutely has no time to curse her looks or else she'll miss the bus, she realizes the last time her heart felt anything was when Peralta proposed Amy. It was the cutest thing she'd ever seen and her heart felt warm and gooey like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. She then proceeds to force herself to think about food so that her dumb soul won't dwell on the fact that she can never have what Peralta and Amy do.
What they have is love. And the last time Goddess Potato felt love was back in 5th grade when the guy she hated the most but liked at the same time asked her if she was okay after the entire class was done making fun of her for being too fat and tall.
"They were just being stupid. They didn't mean it. You're okay right?" He said.
She nodded and gave him a watery smile. There was a crack in the wall and the dam was just about to break but she held it back. "I'm okay," she spoke softly and left to go cry in the bathroom on the 3rd floor where no one ever comes.
With lots of love and hugs and chocolate chip cookies
From
Shorts n Boxers
U need to let goddess potato know that life is hard and unfair, but everything is gonna be fine. She is confident, strong, independant and she is incredibly beautiful and more importantly she has an amazing heart. The smile of hers cheers up many people. It is hard to make ourselves happy with so much going but she is brave enough to face whatever is bothering her. She needs to bring back that amazing potato back. Cheer up love its no time to be sad or depressed. U deserve the best in everything in life..let it be love, happiness, success, but no one is gonna give thay to u except for yourself. You just need to turn embrace your flaws. Your friends love you and needs you and you need them. Go on spread love and smile and honestly cheer up. I have never came across anyone as amazing as you.
ReplyDeleteLove ❤️